But I don’t want to grow up.

As an upcoming Junior in college it’s hitting me pretty hard that I’m growing up. It’s scary even thinking that within the next ten years I will be in the real world with an actual job, in a new city(or old one), possibly married, paying my own bills, etc…I’m getting anxious just typing this.

And so I was getting ready for a recent family party and was preparing myself for all the questions that I knew were coming.

How’s college?      

Said: “It’s great, and so much fun. I could not be happier where I am.”

Thinking: “It really is great but it’s also extremely stressful. I’m trying to balance my social life, academics, and struggling trying to figure out what the hell I really want to do with the rest of my life.”

How did you do this semester? 

Said: “I’ve been improving slowly as I adjust so I did much better then I have before.”

Thinking: “You don’t even want to know…”

What are you finally studying? What do you want to do with it?

Said: “I’m studying Journalism but I want to do a little bit of Public Relations with a minor in Legal Studies. I’d love to do something that will allow me to travel.”

Thinking: “Yeah I’m studying Journalism because I couldn’t handle changing my major to marketing with all those math credits because then I’d never graduate. I’m more focused on getting a job Public Relations/Marketing with Social Media, yeah I might not make a ton of money and may have to live like a hobo but maybe I’ll be happy. And I put Legal Studies as my minor because I love Criminal Justice but I don’t want to be a lawyer but my parent’s are pushing me to focus on it so I can work with the FBI. They think I could do wonders because I read lips perfectly…yet I have no idea what I want to do with any of it.”

Are you working this summer?

Said: “Yes I got an internship this summer regarding PR/Marketing”

Thinking: “I’m praying that I don’t fail at this.”

Do you know what you want to do after college?

Said: “I’m not really sure I know I want to travel so hopefully a job that will allow me to do that for the first few years.”

Thinking: “I have no freaking clue.”

And the more I came to prepare myself for these questions the more I started to psych yourself out. Hell, every time some one asks me what I want to do with my life I change my answer. I’m 20 years old, I’m no longer a teenager but nor am I completely an adult yet…I’m allowed to be indecisive. I’m going to college, getting an education, and slowly trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. You’d think that’d be enough right?

So many nights I have found myself laying in bed wondering what in the world I’m going to do with my life. It’s always in the back of my mind. It scares me when people know exactly what they want to do with their life and have their lives all planned out. I question if I’m doing something wrong. But there are so many things I want to do, and I’m more scared that I will never get a chance to do many of those things.

So I’ve learned that it’s okay to be anxious and nervous about the future. It’s normal and actually exciting but scary at the same time. In two years, you could be exactly where you want to end up or you could end up doing something completely different then what was expected.

And to be honest that makes it all worth while.

So here is to two more years of college and experiencing it to the fullest.